Domestic Life
by NefertariHime
Summary: The domestic life for two demons and their seperate parcels of brats. SesshomaruNaraku. Unabashed humour.
1. On Last Names

_InuYasha and everything in it is NOT mine!_

**Domestic Life: on Last Names**

"InuGumo..." 

"Don't you like it?" 

"Inu... Gumo..." There was a short but exceedingly awkward break. "How come you're first?" 

"What are you talking about?" 

"Inu before Gumo!" 

"It sounds better!" 

"Oh, it does not!" 

"Besides it's a pun. InuGumo, Onigumo, see?" 

Another break. 

"GumoInu sounds wrong, Naraku. Even you must be able to see that." 

"... Fine." 

"There, now that that's settled--" 

"You just made that pun part up now, didn't you?" 

"... No." 

"You did. Don't lie to me, mutt." 

"It sounds b-- I'm not getting into this discussion again." 

"Fine, what else do we need to discuss?" 

"Where I'm getting a job." 

"Wait." A second passed. "What about my job?" 

"Naraku... you're not getting a job." 

"Excuse me...?" 

"You have to stay home and watch the offspring. And Rin." 

"Jaken can do that!" 

"But he can't shout at them." 

A long break. 

"Lock Kagura in the basement. Take Kanna's mirror away. Let Hakudoushi ruin the neighborhood with Entei..." 

"What about Rin?" 

"She can ruin the neighborhood too if she wants." 

He chewed his lip, considering. 

"I'll let you do the gardening." 

"Deal!" 


	2. On Chocolate

_InuYasha and everything in it is NOT mine!_

**Domestic Life: on Chocolate**

Chocolate is a fine thing. See as Naraku considers this strange, new creature; brown and sweet and succulent. 

"I don't know," he says warily, one eyebrow quirking. 

"Izzgood," says Rin, and beside her Hakudoushi mumbles his agreement. His pure white hair is stained by the sugary substance. 

Naraku sighs like only he can sigh - an expulsion of breath, speaking of the dreariness of the world and its destruction, all in the same second - and takes one of the offered treats. He stares at it. 

"It'll melt if you don't eat it," says Hakudoushi and reaches for another piece. 

Naraku looks annoyed and slips the chocolate in his mouth, chewing as one might chew a live insect. "Hey," he says with some surprise, "it's good." 

"Yup!" says Rin cheerily. "And it's good for your endo-ripherins. Says so right there." 

Naraku picks up the small sheet of paper and mumbles as he reads, "... releases endorphins and quells pain. Can also be used as an aphrodisiac." He stops; blinks; smiles softly and replaces the sheet. "Fascinating." He eats another. 

When Sesshomaru returns home, stepping through the door as if into a ballrom, he finds his mouth suddenly filled with something sweet. 

"Eat it," says Naraku. "It's called _chocolatu_." 

Sesshomaru takes note of the oddly pronounced word and eats it. "Mm," he says in appreciation, "it's good." 

"It's very good," says Naraku, and Sesshomaru notices that he's very close; more so in some areas than other. 

"Naraku," he says before being pulled into bed and into Naraku. 

"It's an aphrodisiac," moans Naraku, bucking his hips in a primal rhythm. 

"Oh," groans Sesshomaru, meeting each movement with one of his own. "It works wonders." 

Naraku says things that makes Sesshomaru move faster and snarl in ancient words. Naraku moans louder and feeds Sesshomaru another chocolate. 

"Hey," says Rin, looking up from Super Ultra Extravaganza: Version II, the Reckoning, and thus missing how Hakudoushi demolishes her fighter, "where'd the chocolate go?" 


	3. On Cobwebs

_InuYasha and everything in it is NOT mine!_

**Domestic Life: on Cobwebs**

Sesshomaru was angry. Granted, this was usual, but on this morning it especially irked him. "Naraku!" he roared, storming out of their bedroom. 

"What is it?" the spider called back from the kitchen. 

Sesshomaru stomped into the kitchen like a big, white doggy thunder-cloud, just in time to duck the spoonful of mush Akago threw at the wall in protest. 

"Just eat it, you damn brat," growled Kagura, trying to feed the baby. 

"Don't call my son a brat," said Naraku sharply. 

And speaking of Naraku's son... "Hakudoushi, stop bothering Jaken," said Sesshomaru, stopping the miasmic blast before it could begin. 

The white-haired child gave him a hurt look. "It was Rin's idea." 

"Rin!" said Sesshomaru. 

"It wasn't, honestly!" Rin said with wide, innocent eyes from where she sat, trying to at least moderately interest Kanna in some dolls. 

Kanna was busily polishing her mirror, happily lost to the rest of the world. For a brief second, Sesshomaru wildly envied her. 

"It was so!" shot Hakudoushi back. 

"Was not!" 

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Naraku broke in, stuffing a piece of toast in either combatant's mouth. 

Sesshomaru took a deep breath and fixed his face in a most fearsome scowl. "Naraku, we've all ready discussed this; no cobwebs over the bed!" 


	4. On Family

_InuYasha and everything in it is NOT mine!_

**Domestic Life: on Family**

"It's belittling to me." Naraku crossed his arms. 

"It's a pet name," said Sesshomaru with a weary sigh, flexing his latest left arm. 

"I don't want a pet name, especially not one that's factually incorrect!" 

"It's nearly the same anyway." 

"It is," snapped Naraku, "most certainly not!" 

Hakudoushi trambled through the living room, a stubbornly silent Akago on his back. 

Sesshomaru watched them go. "I bet they wouldn't mind." 

"Yes, they would; they're me, so they mind when I tell them to." 

"You're overreacting." 

"I expect you to be factual!" The half-demon's face twisted in a fierce scowl. "Especially about me!" 

"Naraku..." 

"All right, then; I'll call you mutt." 

Sesshomaru's eyes flared red. "I am pure-bred!" He blinked and sighed. "But that's different from calling you a bug." 

"I'm an _arachnid_!" 

"But you still have too many legs." 


	5. On Height

_InuYasha and everything in it is NOT mine!_

**Domestic Life: on Height**

"How come we never switch?" 

Sesshomaru looked up at Naraku from his crossword-puzzle. "Pardon?" 

"You're always on top." Naraku slumped into the chair opposite the demon. 

Sesshomaru smiled indulgently. "I don't bottom for anyone ever, Naraku. You ought to now that by now." 

Naraku fell silent, sulkily tracing the pattern in the table. 

Sesshomaru considered telling him to stop being childish, but then the spider was only a little over fifty. He shrugged and let Naraku sulk. 

"Those comics Kagura like so much," muttered Naraku, picking at a small burn. 

"What about them?" 

"The taller guy is always on top." 

Sesshomaru looked up from his crosswords again. "And?" 

"I'm taller than you." 

Sesshomaru chuckled and went back to his paper. "Not on your knees, you're not." 


	6. On Smell

_InuYasha and everything in it is NOT mine!_

**Domestic Life: on Smell**

"The first time I met you, you smelled of human and baboon, from the hideous body and ugly pelt you wore. I thought you were human till I scented the aura of a demon underneath, and you wanted my brother dead, so I gave you the time of day. 

"The second time I met you, you smelled the same, but I noticed your hair smelled of dirt. Not grease and dust, but rich clay-filled soil, moist and heavy. 

"And when I met you a third time, I smelled _you_. I'd like to say you smell of perfume, of lemon and grass, wind through the trees, but I'd be lying. You smell singed and toxic, like a lit torch shoved into a bowl of poison." 

"Wow," said Naraku, "that's quite possibly the nicest thing you've ever said to me. Which is kind of sad." 

Sesshomaru sighed. "And how do I smell, then?" 

"Er." Suddenly Naraku looked evasive. "My senses aren't as keen as yours..." 

"Naraku," growled the demon. 

"Well, to be honest," said Naraku to the ceiling, "to me you've always smelled like a wet dog." 


	7. on Cutting

_InuYasha and everything in it is NOT mine!_

**Domestic Life: on Cutting**

The air was pungent with miasma, and Sesshomaru stifled a cough into his fist, struggling for each step. "Naraku... Naraku!"

"Over here!" The voice was light with cheer.

Sesshomaru would have sneered if that wouldn't have caused more miasma inhalation and made his way towards the _hanyou_. "Spider, what exactly are you doing?"

Naraku chuckled his eerie, little laugh and tested the edge of the weapon in his hand. "What does it look like? Come a little closer, Sesshomaru..."

Sesshomaru did the only sensible thing and stopped on the spot, his eyes narrowing to golden slits. "Why?"

"Does it matter?" countered Naraku with an irritated little hiss, standing from his crouch but remaining in the inky shadows.

Sesshomaru choked back another cough and squinted through the purple haze. "Fine..." Each step a chore, he once again moved towards the spider-demon.

Naraku smirked and ran a finger along the sharp edge, nodding in satisfaction when violet drops bubbled out and evaporated.

The dog-demon made it through the heavy hangings and looked dizzily at him. "Naraku, this has got to end. The neighbors are complaining."

Naraku looked hurt and sliced another deformed growth off his beloved venus flytraps. "But you promised I could do the gardening!"


	8. on Uniforms

_InuYasha and everything in it is NOT mine! Also, thanks to LadyJet2 for helping inspire the last two._

**Domestic Life: on Uniforms**

"This is ridiculous, Naraku."

"Come on! For me?"

Sesshomaru sighed. "Fine."

"I love you." The words were disturbing enough, but the earnest face that accompanied it was down-right terrifying.

"Feh." The bathroom door slammed behind him.

With a delighted little giggle, Naraku skipped into their bedroom.

Meanwhile, curses and snarls rang from the bathroom.

"How the hell do you put this on-- ... oh. This is supposed to be comfortable? And what--"

"It clasps in the front." Naraku's helpful voice reverberated down the hall.

"... Oh. This is stupid."

A few grunts and mutters later, Sesshomaru appeared and sullenly plodded to the bedroom.

Naraku took one look at him and was reduced to the metaphorical puddle.

Sesshomaru sneered. "You're insane. Why, exactly, am I dressed up in a school-girl uniform?"

Wooden tentacles snaked towards him.

"... oh."


End file.
